Just like that … I figured it all out.
I was having one of those “living your best life” moments. I was on a high of happiness that I haven’t been on in a very long time. Amid that high, my 10-year-old son said …. Mom, have you been drinking? WHAAAATTTTTTTT!!!?? What do you mean have I been drinking? Well, the last time you were like this you had taken a whole bunch of shots in the kitchen. (I know, moment of judgement! Yes, I might have taken 4 shots of crown in my kitchen one night when I was stressed out of my mind, mostly about my dissatisfaction with my life.) I responded, ummmm no bud, I am just really happy! Wait, you’re happy? Yeah, I am happy. He was shocked, and he then said …. Well that’s awesome, you’re never JUST happy. I could have died right then. My son just changed my life. It’s not that it has not been said before, it’s not that I did not know my unhappiness was wearing on my family. I knew, I was just not ready to acknowledge it.
My entire life I have wanted to be something great. I wanted to be a woman who left behind a legacy, so to speak. A memorable and loved person. A person that did not become a victim of her circumstances. I have gone thru many phases in my journey of finding this woman. I can’t tell you how often I stare at photos of myself and wish to be HER. I just want to be powerful, magnetic, poised and valuable -everything I see when I look at the woman in the photos.
The last several years I have engulfed myself in becoming a successful business owner in the beauty industry. My dream my entire life has been to be a person that “makes people feel pretty”. It’s fair to say, I sorta lost myself in this journey. I made sacrifices, especially with my children, in my pursuit of this success. In those few years, I went from having absolutely no work and working for free to building myself to a point that I needed a team of artists to keep up. I MADE IT!! OMG, I did it. I can’t believe it!! BUT just like that, it was gone. Just like that, my husband was being offered a job in a new city. A job that will ultimately change our financial future. A job that puts me in the same state as my son, Kory (for those that don’t know, my first son is not my husband's. Kory lives in a small city in GA with his father). I was happy and proud for my husband, but I was also so freaking angry that HE was taking me away from my success. The career success I had sacrificed so much for. Resentment quickly set in. Not only did I resent him, I resented my children. I resented what being a wife/mother was requiring me to give up. Why couldn’t I have it all? It just was not fair, and it was their fault that trying to re-establish myself in Atlanta was sucking the entire life out of me.
So here we are, I am working for a studio because I think this will give me the edge I need to regain my steps. I have 35 weddings booked, so far. Everything is falling back into place. But is it? I am still angry, I am still feeling unfulfilled. I am physically ill by the amount of stress I feel about everything. I knew what I was doing was not a good fit for me, but I was forcing it. I be damned if I fail at what I have worked so hard for. During the stress, I quit the job I had only been at for 30 days. Just a few short days after that my life was changing. I was falling in love with my husband again, I was patient with my toddler, I was at every single one of my son’s basketball games. The look of satisfaction on his face every time he saw me in those bleachers was gut wrenching. My husband was happy again, he can’t wait to come home and kiss me, he’s bending over backwards to take me out and spend time with me, make me feel special. Karter is smiling, his infectious smile. We’re singing his favorite songs and dancing to every beat.
WOW, I am so damn important. I am the heartbeat of my family. I am powerful and influential. I am everything I have ever wanted to be. THIS IS MY LEGACY. I am surrounded by it every single day. Every single day I am breaking the chains. Every single day I am looking into the eyes of my legacy. Every single day I am loved and memorable. Every single day I am making someone feel good (much like feeling pretty). As a young woman, I prayed often for a man to love me, to value me, to see me. Most days I don’t know what I believe in but today I believe in something. Today, I realize that my prayers were beyond answered. Not only was I given a man to love me endlessly, I was given two boys that I plan to make great men love me. Not only, did he give me that …. He gave me a gift. The gift of “making people feel good”, not just pretty but GOOD. He gave me the power of influence. He gave me a story that is inspiring to others and he gave me the courage to be open about my life and my mishaps along the way. I have no idea where that gift is taking me, but I am refreshed and so ready to write this next chapter in my story.
Just like that … I figured it all out.